Wednesday, March 08, 2006

When your true love dies are you sure to follow?

i was so saddened to hear of the death of Dana Reeve, widow of Christopher Reeve. it was so obvious how much the Reeves were in love, their love seemed to spill from every possible feature of their bodies. you could see their love for each other in their eyes and spilling form their lips and their every action together was draped in their unconditional love. the old ones say that when a couple is truly truly close and deeply in love, when one person passes away, the other passes away soon after, often from a broken heart. i believe this is true, i have always believed that there is a great deal of truth to this observation. the seemingly sudden death of Dana Reeve has me pondering this phenomena and contemplating what this could mean. i know what it is like to have your true love pass away. my fiancee passed away and we were closer than close. we were unconditionally in love with one another, we were best friends and we were practically attached at the hip. we were a unit, a package, we were not available individually packaged. it was always both of us or none of us. we literally suffered withdrawal when we were separated for even the tiniest amount of time. my fiancee was my life, he was my reason to breathe, my reason to live. i'm sure that sounds bad to some of you. i know that that may not be the healthiest mindset, one should live for oneself, but i will not pretend that i have ever been that emotionally independent. so he truly was my reason to live. when he died, my happiness, my future, my will to live died with him. i knew that i would certaintly be following him into the afterlife shortly. but that hasn't happened. for over a year i could not explain why i continued to live and continued to breathe, and continued to open my eyes each day. i have just recently accepted that life could go on for me and that i still have living left to do. i have always known that my fiancee wants me to go on with my life and do great things, but i have never felt strong enough to do that. so i have just recently become somewhat comfortable with the idea that my life should continue on without him. now with the recent death of Dana Reeve, i am once again contemplating the ideal that one could die from a broken heart and die from the sadness of living without one's soul mate. so here i am almost a year and a half later still living... does that mean that i didn't love him enough? does that mean my love for him wasn't strong enough to connect us in death? how dare i continue to live when the best part of me, my better half, died in 2004? i should not be able to continue living without him. i truly believe that had i been the one to pass away, my fiancee would have surely died of a broken heart. i find this to be undoubtedly true because whenever we were separated for even a week, he would physically become ill. does this mean that i didn't love him enough to follow him in death? what does it all mean? i'm sure to many of you, this ideal seems absurd. but for me, this is a serious question. the only reason that i can conjure for my life to continue on without him is that i'm meant to honor him and make him proud with whatever i do with my life. maybe i'm left here to live for the both of us, to make our dreams become a reality in honor of his memory and our undying love. Maybe i'm left here on earth to ensure that his memory, his philosophy, his legacy, his talent is immortalized in whatever i do. maybe i'm left here to make sure that he is never forgotten. Maybe its my destiny to live for the both of us, until we meet again at the pearly gates of Heaven above.


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