Tuesday, June 26, 2007

i hate being alone

sigh.............. yes its been almost a year since i posted anything here. then again, its not like there's really anyone out there reading this. so i will continue to complain to the nothingness out there instead of people who actually give a fuck what i have to say. there's a new man. yes a new man in my life. he seems wonderful and great and says all the right things, but still i am unhappy. i am unhappy because he says these wonderful things that i love to hear, but i don't know if i can believe him or trust him because he hasn't really followed through with the things he's been saying. i don't think he really is feeling me like i'm feeling him or like he says he's feeling me. i feel so alone. so alone. no one knows me or cares about me the way that i need. its like its literally me against the world.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

its been awhile

hey ya'll.... it's been awhile...i love that song from staind, don't you? unfortunately, i don't have much to update you on. uh i guess that's kind of a lie. a lot of wild crazy shit happened on my two month road trip with my parents. i have the craziest yet coolest family in the world. i did learn a lot ths summer th0ugh. i learned not to put people on pedeatals no matter how close you are to them. i love my cousins, i mean, i LOVE my cousins. we're a wild bunch. i have more cousins then i could count. literally! my family is a relatively close family and we look out for each other. our family is like the black southern mafia... without the killing of course. we don't take it well when anyone messes with our family. we're a well liked and very respected family. what i really don't like about my family is that they stick to what they believe is right regardless of what anyone else thinks, they're very narrow minded. if one family member goes in a direction the others don't approve of, they're damn near ostricized. i hate that shit. it's just not fair. so many a cousin, including me, has been exiled from the fam for a while, its almost like a rite of passage in our fam. get a boyfriend no one likes, you're out!! want to move in with your mate before marriage? you're outta there!! get married without telling the whole fam... you're really outta there. anyway, because of the stubborness of the brothers and sisters aka our aunts and uncles, the cousins have all been close and formed tight bonds dictated by age group and/or generation. i have a cousin who i considered to be my closest female cousin, i'll call her girl. Girl has always been the black sheep of our family because she was always into a lot of trouble and was/is excessively boy crazy. i have always been the number one person to stick up for her. i was always in her corner regardless of whatever she was doing. i had always looked up to her. this summer while visiting her, i got to see a man that i had met last summer and had a little thing with him. i planned to pick up where i left off last year with him, and she helped make that possible. well me and this man became very close and spent a lot of time together. he informs me, albeit reluctantly, that he and girl had sex after we met last year. he also informed me that they had an actual six month relationship. needless to say i was shocked, very hurt, and even a little repulsed by that. i never would have messed with anyone that my cousin had been with or liked. i couldn't believe that girl neglected to tell me about this especially since she helped me see this man. so this man goes on to tell me that girl got with him because she thought she could have something that i wanted since she lived close to him and i live in cali. she told him she was turned on by the fact that she could have something i couldn't. how cold is that shit? so it was a calculated move. the man told me that he fell for her but always felt that they should tell me about them. he said that she wanted to keep it secret. he said after he saw how cold a person she was they broke up. he felt that he had to tell me because he cared about me and hated that i was in the dark, especially seeing how much i loved and respected girl. i know he's not lying, but i'm just devestated. i would've taken a bullet for girl. i would've done anything for her because i love her that much. i thought she loved me that much too. i am just so hurt by that. i've always known that she was a liar and manipulater, but i always thought i was exempt. that was naive and stupid of me. i've learned my lesson about that now. my second closest female cousin, i'll call her shorty, also disappointed me this year. we went to go see some friends of hers and it was fun and cool until i was put in a very scary and uncomfortable position with a bunch of guys i didn't know. they were drunk and belligerent and thank God i wasn't hurt or anything, but it was definitely a situation where things could've gotten a lot worse. i could've been attacked or raped in the type of situation i was in. i'm very hurt by shorty because she put me in that situation, didn't check on me to see if i was okay and then she made me seem unresonable for not wanting to show my breasts to a bunch of strange drunk men. i felt like she should've had my back,PERIOD. so everyone has fallen off those pedestals. oh well, i've learned my lesson about not thinkiing that those close to me could hurt me and thinking that i know people enough to always trust them with my life and safety. now the only people i trust with my life are myself, my parents, maybe a few other family members. i still have some fam who are bout it bout it and would never let any harm come my way. above all, it was a fun summer and i had a great trip, just unbelievable. i know this summer will continue to be fun especially since i'm back home in beautiful southern califor-ni-A! til next time ya'll, peace.........

Monday, March 27, 2006

In love with love

ok, so still no comments huh? did anyone even notice that i've been MIA for awhile? no? ah well. i'm not that important i guess. yet still i blog...i guess its just the idea that maybe someone, anyone out there may be interested in listening to my eccentric ramblings that normally just stay confined inside my head or inside a journal. so this is basically an online journal. its good for me to write this whether or not anyone ever reads it or not. so back to the topic at hand: L O V E
i am in love with the idea of love. i'm in love with the idea of falling in love, being in love, just having someone to love and to love you in return. its like that song nature boy goes "the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." i so so so soooo believe that. i had love once. i mean i've fallen in love many many times with many unworthy people who weren't in love with me. but falling in love is one thing, what about when you stay there? i had a love that i fell into immediately, and i remained in love and remain in love still. why are we not together you ask? if you haven't read any of my previous blogs or don't know the eccentric poet personally then you may be wondering... what happened? well, God knows i am sorry to say that my true love aka the love of my life aka my reason to breathe aka my soulmate and kindred spirit passed away. my true love is an angel now. so needless to say its a looooooong distance relationship. =) i'm still in love with him, but i need a love to pass the time until i can meet my true love at Heaven's gate. i know for a fact, believe me its a fact, that my soul mate wants me to move on with my life and find love again and get married and be successful and be happy. so that brings us to where i am tonite. i am in love with being in love. i want to find a new love so badly. i always knew that i was blessed to have a wonderful relationship with my soul mate, but i never quite understood just how bad it is out here in the world searching for love, especially when you know what true love is. i know what real, true love is now and i'm searching for it. there are so many stupid, ignorant, wastes of time in the world. why can't people just be straight with you and not promise things they have no intentions of delivering or making good on? see previous post "insincere dudes" . anyway, as much as i want to be with just anyone who can give me attention and affection, i can't do that. i know what love is now, i refuse to disrespect myself by going back to the imitation love after i've been spoiled by real love. not to mention how disrespectful that would be to my baby (r.i.p.), he taught me that i deserved real true love. how could i disappoint and disrespect him by going from him, to any piece of shit off the street? i know he's not around to be disappointed but i know how he would feel if he knew and i refuse to do that. call me crazy. people think i'm strange because i still refer to my soulmate in the present tense. i speak of him like he's around and i still try to live according to how he would feel about me and my choices. that may seem extreme and strange and maybe even unhealthy to some, but its me. and i'm gonna do me damnit and i DARE someone to even try to speak to me about anything involving my love for my deceased husband or my actions involving his memory. those of you who know me already know, that is one thing i do NOT play with. I WILL FUCK ANYBODY UP WHO HAS THE AUDACITY TO SPEAK NEGATIVELY ON MY HUSBAND, THE MEMORY OF MY HUSBAND, AND ANYTHING I DO TO HONOR HIM AND HIS MEMORY, and I WILL HAVE NO REGRETS OR HESITATION ABOUT THAT. BELIEVE THAT IF YOU NEVER BELIEVE ANYTHING ELSE I EVER SAY. you can believe that one for sure. fo sho tho =) just to let you know a lil about how the eccentric poet thinks. i feel like ll cool j back in the day.... i need love. sigh......well, thanx for listening, i mean reading, if any of you who actually read my stuff exist out there. good lookin' out!

Monday, March 20, 2006

feelin' unimportant

i'm feelin' a little bit blue because i don't think anyone is reading this. if no one is, then what's the point? i could just journal with pen and paper. it depresses me to think that i am finally willing to let others into the deep inner workings of the mind of an eccentric poet, but no one cares. =( yes i'm feelin' sorry for myself. i'm perfectly okay with this. someone just please pretend to read and leave me a commet. make me feel a little specail......please? plllllleeeeeeeeeeeeease??? thanks.....

Friday, March 17, 2006

Sinner or Saint?

being an eccentric poet, i tend to think about a lot of things, and i guess its my tortured nature that makes me dwell on some of the most unsettling topics or thoughts regardless of how masochistic it might be. so as my name might suggest, i'm so incredibly not sane. but does a slight to moderate lack of sanity equate to one being "insane?" hmmmmm..... well even though that thought is incredibly deep, i'm going to let it go. yes, i'm insane, and i'm so at peace with that. anyway, moving along... i so often get depressed trying to decide whether i'm a sinner or a saint. well, that's exaggerating, i KNOW i'm a sinner nor do i dare pretend to think for one second that i might in any stretch of imagination be a saint. so to be more accurate, my state of mind is more along the lines of... if my recent excessive sinning makes me less of a Christian and less of an example of a child of God. i struggle to walk the path of the righteous, but the life of the damned calls my name so loudly at times and whispers to me even in my sleep. like Jay-Z says in my theme song...." i don't know why i, get so high on, get so high on, get so high....high off the life..." for those of you who know my true identity, if you know that song, did you hear Jay-Z say my name? yes he did. that song was written for me. listen to the whole second verse. i think its number 13 on the black album. so i digress. anyway, to be more specific, I am a child of God, I'm a Christian, yet i tend to fall in love with the bad guys. no i'm not talking about the little bad boys with a few tattoos and a motorcycle. i'm talking about the boys with a felony or two on their records with the jailhouse tats or the regular kind but all up and down their entire arms. i'm talkin about the dudes who are businessmen with no degrees, the dudes who always have to look over their shoulders for cops, or anybody who doesn't like them or what they're doing or what they've done. i try to live my life according to the ten commandments but i associate with people who've broken many of them. so what does that make me? sinner or saint? or hypocrit? yea, that's the thing with these questions and pondering about them extensively, there really are no answers. everything is not either or, black and white, life happens in gray areas. and you can't label them black or white, because the truth of the matter is...they're gray. thanks for listening guys.....er, reading, rather.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Insincere Dudes

Okay, now here's a subject that i'm very passionate about. for those of you who know the daytime identity of the eccentric poet, you know how serious i am about this topic. so for those of you who have no idea who i am or what the hell i'm about, let me bring you up to par. first, allow me to say that because i feel so strongly about this topic, i'm probably gonna come off sounding like the ever so terrifying "ANGRY BLACK WOMAN." i hate the angry black woman stereotype and all those that go along with it such as: bitter black woman, jaded black woman, and the worst of all of them the STRONG, INDEPENDENT, BLACK WOMAN. LOL so unfortunately, independent and/or strong black woman is often mistaken for SCARY BITCH. but that, my lovelies, is a whole other topic for a whole other blog. so back to insincere dudes. i cannot stand insincere people period. insincere dudes really irritate and annoy me because i feel like men, real men, grown ass men, should be able to get with a woman and/or gain the interest of women without having to pretend to be interested in something you're not. this goes hand in hand with empty promises, my pet peeve. insincere dudes are full of empty promises and are very quick to offer them as if they're precious stones. here's an example: let's say that some dude named deon meets some girl named keisha. deon approaches keisha and starts interesting convo with her and they eventually exchange contact info. within the first two conversations deon tells keisha how smitten he is with her already and how he really thinks that she could be the one for him. he goes on and on to tell her how he really really wants her to go to dinner with him and his family as soon as possible. keisha who is kinda skeptical politely laughs the comment off and changes the subject. deon is persistent in making plans for dinner with his family until keisha finally agrees and decides to believe that he's for real. so keisha who's looking for the perfect outfit to wear, asks deon what day they'll be going so she knows how long she has to prepare. deon evasively says that he's not sure just yet and he'll check. he then quickly changes the subject. keisha notices but decides to ignore that and keep going with the flow of the convo. a few days later keisha again asks deon when they're going to dinner and he responds by saying, "well, you know uh, we just met and we shouldn't rush into things, you know. maybe we can do that soon or something but let's just take things slow right now and see what happens before we get families involved and shit." this is a perfect example of my pet peeve, empty promises. my definition of an empty promise is a promise that is made to one party without that party asking for or even necessarily wanting said promise made by a second party who has no intention whatsoever to keep it. my point is why insist on making a promise that i never even asked for or wanted when there is no intention of keeping the promise? that shit is so annoying. what's the point? what's the purpose? which brings me back to my point, a real man should have enough "game" to spark the interest of women without having to resort to making empty promises and expressing insincere feelings. this is a personal thing to me because yes i'm thinking of one insincere dude in particular. we met, had great conversation, and serious physical attraction. we immediately became intimately involved, no lemme just say the shit how it is, i let him hit it on the first day. but after that everything was cool. he was saying how much he was feelin me and how he wanted to build something meaningful with me. he was still callin and jockin after we had sex and still making all these promises and illusions of grandeur. Ok so he tells me that he's busy a lot but he'll never just fade put of my life without a word or email or nothin' and that's exactly what he did. before that he took me out on another date and paid for everything and introduced me to his nephew, then the dude just disappeared. ok so i sent him a couple emails asking if he was okay and what was goin on with him and his career. he never responded so i called a few times and still got no response. ok so i recently happen to see him online and i send him a little note sayin that i'm happy to see he's ok and that he's not locked up or anything. i tell him that i had been wonderin what happened to him. so this dude sends me a message talkin about i'm jumpin to conclusions and he don't wanna argue cuz he ain't got time but he might have time to argue with me tomorrow. then he said he might holla at me. so i'm like what the fuck? wait a minute homeboy, who the fuck you think you dealin with? so i let the youngun know that he was not talkin to some li'l sprung naive girl. i let him know that i was just tryin to see if his sorry ass was ok, then i told him that i was not interested in arguin with him because he's not that important. i let him know i ain't pressed. he actin like he'll do me a favor and he might holla. LOL i let him know with a quickness not to do me no favors. i tell ya some dudes are really feelin themselves too much. insincerity is such a turn off and its pretty transparent.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

When your true love dies are you sure to follow?

i was so saddened to hear of the death of Dana Reeve, widow of Christopher Reeve. it was so obvious how much the Reeves were in love, their love seemed to spill from every possible feature of their bodies. you could see their love for each other in their eyes and spilling form their lips and their every action together was draped in their unconditional love. the old ones say that when a couple is truly truly close and deeply in love, when one person passes away, the other passes away soon after, often from a broken heart. i believe this is true, i have always believed that there is a great deal of truth to this observation. the seemingly sudden death of Dana Reeve has me pondering this phenomena and contemplating what this could mean. i know what it is like to have your true love pass away. my fiancee passed away and we were closer than close. we were unconditionally in love with one another, we were best friends and we were practically attached at the hip. we were a unit, a package, we were not available individually packaged. it was always both of us or none of us. we literally suffered withdrawal when we were separated for even the tiniest amount of time. my fiancee was my life, he was my reason to breathe, my reason to live. i'm sure that sounds bad to some of you. i know that that may not be the healthiest mindset, one should live for oneself, but i will not pretend that i have ever been that emotionally independent. so he truly was my reason to live. when he died, my happiness, my future, my will to live died with him. i knew that i would certaintly be following him into the afterlife shortly. but that hasn't happened. for over a year i could not explain why i continued to live and continued to breathe, and continued to open my eyes each day. i have just recently accepted that life could go on for me and that i still have living left to do. i have always known that my fiancee wants me to go on with my life and do great things, but i have never felt strong enough to do that. so i have just recently become somewhat comfortable with the idea that my life should continue on without him. now with the recent death of Dana Reeve, i am once again contemplating the ideal that one could die from a broken heart and die from the sadness of living without one's soul mate. so here i am almost a year and a half later still living... does that mean that i didn't love him enough? does that mean my love for him wasn't strong enough to connect us in death? how dare i continue to live when the best part of me, my better half, died in 2004? i should not be able to continue living without him. i truly believe that had i been the one to pass away, my fiancee would have surely died of a broken heart. i find this to be undoubtedly true because whenever we were separated for even a week, he would physically become ill. does this mean that i didn't love him enough to follow him in death? what does it all mean? i'm sure to many of you, this ideal seems absurd. but for me, this is a serious question. the only reason that i can conjure for my life to continue on without him is that i'm meant to honor him and make him proud with whatever i do with my life. maybe i'm left here to live for the both of us, to make our dreams become a reality in honor of his memory and our undying love. Maybe i'm left here on earth to ensure that his memory, his philosophy, his legacy, his talent is immortalized in whatever i do. maybe i'm left here to make sure that he is never forgotten. Maybe its my destiny to live for the both of us, until we meet again at the pearly gates of Heaven above.

A little about The Eccentric Poet

Soooo.... here i am starting a blog. Let me start by warning ya'll that I call myself the eccentric poet because i am a poet, and i really am an eccentric. my thoughts may appear disjointed and fragmented, but that's because they are. i ramble and digress ridiculously so please forgive me an allow me to ramble on, there is some point to my chaotic ramblings. another thing about me is that i'm not a big fan of capitalization and proper punctuation. so its not that i'm ignorant, i'm just living outside the box man. i'm livin on the edge of grammar. if you are at all remotely interested in reading what i write and have to say it is imperative for you to know that i'm an African American female and i'm sure that i will be discussing things that pertain to many different aspects of being African American and a woman. so, i hope that my future blogs to come are more interesting in this little introductory disclaimer. so just bear with me and i promise i'll let you in on the inner workings of the eccentric mind of a poet. i guarantee whatever i write will be anything but typical and predictable. believe that. let the bitching begin!!!!!