Friday, March 17, 2006

Sinner or Saint?

being an eccentric poet, i tend to think about a lot of things, and i guess its my tortured nature that makes me dwell on some of the most unsettling topics or thoughts regardless of how masochistic it might be. so as my name might suggest, i'm so incredibly not sane. but does a slight to moderate lack of sanity equate to one being "insane?" hmmmmm..... well even though that thought is incredibly deep, i'm going to let it go. yes, i'm insane, and i'm so at peace with that. anyway, moving along... i so often get depressed trying to decide whether i'm a sinner or a saint. well, that's exaggerating, i KNOW i'm a sinner nor do i dare pretend to think for one second that i might in any stretch of imagination be a saint. so to be more accurate, my state of mind is more along the lines of... if my recent excessive sinning makes me less of a Christian and less of an example of a child of God. i struggle to walk the path of the righteous, but the life of the damned calls my name so loudly at times and whispers to me even in my sleep. like Jay-Z says in my theme song...." i don't know why i, get so high on, get so high on, get so high....high off the life..." for those of you who know my true identity, if you know that song, did you hear Jay-Z say my name? yes he did. that song was written for me. listen to the whole second verse. i think its number 13 on the black album. so i digress. anyway, to be more specific, I am a child of God, I'm a Christian, yet i tend to fall in love with the bad guys. no i'm not talking about the little bad boys with a few tattoos and a motorcycle. i'm talking about the boys with a felony or two on their records with the jailhouse tats or the regular kind but all up and down their entire arms. i'm talkin about the dudes who are businessmen with no degrees, the dudes who always have to look over their shoulders for cops, or anybody who doesn't like them or what they're doing or what they've done. i try to live my life according to the ten commandments but i associate with people who've broken many of them. so what does that make me? sinner or saint? or hypocrit? yea, that's the thing with these questions and pondering about them extensively, there really are no answers. everything is not either or, black and white, life happens in gray areas. and you can't label them black or white, because the truth of the matter is...they're gray. thanks for listening, reading, rather.


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